Two other things happened last night, aside from the main spectacle (as described below).

1) I touched a snake, even though it grossed me out. There was a lady in the restaurant who comes round showing off her orange and yellow reptilia to the diners. One was coiled neatly round her rainbow coloured dreads. She was nice; the snakes not so much. Call me irrational, but they make me feel icky. One of our party was so freaked out by them she had to go and hide in the toilet. And this is called entertainment.

2) I fell over in wank-fest private members club Shoreditch House, right in front of a bunch of braying, coked-up media whores. Actually, it was more of a theatrical slide over because the fucking floor was like an ice rink, but that’s irrelevant detail. The end result was the same.

My dignity is, once again, in tatters.

(And I have a cut on my knee. Poor me.)