Neighbourhood Watch-The-Fuck-Out
I know it’s not very genteel of me to say so, but I fucking hate my neighbours. You’ll soon see why.
Specimens 1 & 2
South African couple. Live downstairs. Play shit ‘world’ music at full volume. Shout at each other over shit ‘world’ music, instead of turning full volume down.
He and she leave for work at 7.25am and 7.30am respectively. He and she slam inner and front doors separately, in quick succession, as if in blind rage and attempting to rip doors from hinges. Wall behind inner door is now dented and about to crack like a Californian fault line. My alarm clock is rendered useless.
Fucking inconsiderate twunts.
Specimen 3
Unemployed, BNP voter next door. Married, one son, looks like a pitbull. Beats his wife. (Probably.)
Pride and joy is a vintage Jaguar. Dark blue, leather trim, walnut dash. Kept under wraps to presumably protect against scratching and vagaries of British weather.
Woke whole street up at 2am on Tuesday morning roaring, “OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, YOU C*NT!!!” and bashing on the driver door of a Peugeot 206 parked outside his house.
Turns out Peugeot 206 had accidentally nudged gift-wrapped and beloved Jag. Pitbull continued intimidating shouting at full volume for 15 minutes, while attempting to drag Peugeot driver out of car, presumably to rip them to shreds with his bare hands.
And how did Pitbull see that Peugeot 206 had dared to breathe on his car at 2am?
Because he was sitting in his house, staring at the damn car like a demented watchman, that’s why. Just waiting for a reason to go absolutely fucking postal.
Atrocious, eardrum-perforating music and certified psychopaths. Welcome to my manor, readers.
I’m fucked, aren’t I?
6 Comments so far
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I have all the same fuckwits living below or next to me. How odd. Except instead of world music, it’s industrial metal, and instead of a Jaguar, it’s some kind of ugly Dodge that looks like it’s not worth worrying about.
By Shannon on 29.03.08 2:37 pm
Clearly it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, fuckwittery is a fact of life.
This does not make me feel hopeful.
I empathise Shannon.
By Ladyshambles on 29.03.08 2:51 pm
I also have fuckwittery issues, only it’s my downstairs neighbours and hip-hip/dance. At 1:00am. I complained about it on the internet and they still keep doing it, I just don’t know what to do…
By pimento on 30.03.08 1:23 pm
I sympathise wholeheartedly. My lot party until 5am sometimes. Despite desperate pleas to shut the fuck up.
I recommend calling the police. They will come out for disturbances like arsehole neighbours partying without consideration to those around them between the hours of 11pm and 7am, if I’m not mistaken.
My lot are getting the old bill round next time. I’ve had it up to *here*.
By Ladyshambles on 30.03.08 6:14 pm
Up to there?! My word, that is serious… I was just going to calculate the length of string I’d need to get a grenade into their window. I figure I could hold one end, tie the grenade to the other and let the majesty of physics to the rest for me.
Although, further pondering suggests that the resulting sirens would be worse. Ahh well, back to the drawing board.
By pimento on 31.03.08 9:59 am
Yeah, you want them to do the explaining to the Plod, not you!
By LadyShambles on 31.03.08 10:10 am
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